I have just invented a thing. The thing I have invented is sous vide aeropressed Liberica liqueur.
Essentially it’s Kahlua, but tastier and cleaner, and it’s got more alcohol content. It is caffeinated, sugary alcohol. It is both massively overengineered, yet remarkably cheap and easy to make, using simple techniques and ingredients found in any kitchen, such as a sous vide immersion heater and Liberica coffee beans.
Like Franklin and Jefferson before me, I will not hoard my invention. Here it is, world:
1. Buy Liberica, the best coffee in the world, most easily from Len’s Coffee.
2. Make 16 ozs of strong Liberica in an Aeropress.
3. Get 7oz of the cheapest vodka you can find BECAUSE ALL VODKA IS THE SAME.
4. and 4ozs of fructose sugar. I guess 8ozs of muggle sugar would also work.
5. and 1 vanilla pod. Ugh. Sorry. Those are expensive. Don’t use vanilla extract instead.
6. and 4ozs of Liberica beans.
7. Then put the Liberica, vodka, vanilla, sugar, and coffee beans in a bag, vacuum seal it using your preferred method (eg: Archimedes displacement).
8. Place it in a sous vide bath for four hours at 335K/62C.
9. Then take it out, strain it into a bowl using a sieve you got from Poundstretcher.
10. Pour it into a jar. Let it cool to room temperature.
11. Reply to all the people arguing with you that not all vodka is the same.
12. Refrigerate it for twelve hours. Perhaps spend this time reading a book by one of my showbiz pals. Brad Ricca’s Mrs Sherlock Holmes, say. Brandy Schillace’s Clockwork Futures, Eddie Robson’s Tomorrow Never Knows. Kelly St Pierre’s Bedrich Smetana: Myth, Music, and Propaganda.
13. Drink the delicious drink. But probably not all of it in one go.
I am going to name this drink after my pal Brandy Schillace. I am calling it ‘brandy’.
Lance Parkin 